While being home with my family was a lovely blessing, things took a turn when all help disappeared, Joe went back to work and I was left on my own to care for the new baby and my other kids.
This is fairly painful to write about, but I want to be sure to document it so that I can look back at the many blessing that occurred during this very trying month. I had high hopes of breastfeeding Alex, but that didn't seem to be in the cards. I tried and tried for almost two weeks with no success. Every time I would try to feed him he would scream, I would double over in pain and cry. The pain was beyond description. I began to dread feeding time. And because the feedings weren't going well, Alex wasn't sleeping, which meant neither was I. I had zero patience left for my other children, so I found myself lashing out at them time and time again for the smallest things. I felt terrible, but felt like I had little control over my actions because of my extreme emotional and physical exhaustion. I begged Heavenly Father to let this all work and to make the breastfeeding easier. nothing worked. We tried all kinds of suggestions and remedies, but nothing helped. After 2 weeks of coming to resent my baby I finally decided to drop all hopes of breastfeeding. Alex had lost too much weight, I was in a hopeless emotional puddle, and I just couldn't do it anymore.
I want to be clear that I have no problem with formula feeding. I have used it regularly for all my kids up to this point, but for some reason I was bothered by the fact that I couldn't give my baby what he needed. MY body wasn't providing everything for Alex and so I felt a disconnect. It all came down to the (ridiculous) shame that I was feeling about not being able to provide for my baby. I made one last hopeless try and broke down. I finally told Heavenly Father that I couldn't' do it anymore! I turned it all over to him and I knew exactly what I needed to do. I spoke to my dr about it, had a priesthood blessing from Joe and decided to abandon the breastfeeding plans. It was like a giant weight was lifted off of me.
With my mind made up I started pumping and supplementing. Meaning Joe could help out more often, the kids could help feed him, and I cold have a chance now and again to get in some down time. I know it seems silly, but for some reason I could not see past my own failings to realize that there was a simple solution that worked for everyone.
A new light was shining in our home and Mom was back! Just after a day or two I was enjoying my time as a new mom and engaging again with my other kids. I made a point of getting outside now and again for short (and very slow) walks around the block, or to pick up Andy from school.
Alex gained weight fairly rapidly after that. Everything was back to where it should be. All I had to do was drop my own plans and let Heavenly Father take over. After I did that everything fell into place and we couldn't be happier. I look forward to the chance that I have now to really get to know Alex and give him a special place in my heart.
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